Those of you who know me well have known my dreams and aspirations. I am a builder--I always have been striving to build others and try to help people make the most of themselves. It used to be my dream to teach college someday and maybe work in the department of career advising. Or do some curriculum development. Or teach education classes. Part of the craziness of me becoming who I have--Miss Masters National Board teacher--is because I'm trying to build a good resume to become what I want someday--it's been a dream of mine.
But--I think I have taken a step away from that direction for the moment. It was accidental. But it has happened. I no longer know what I want out of life. I do--but I don't. It's this weird state of mind I've been in for the past couple of months. It all started when I said yes to the Chinese program.
My school has gone Dual Immersion in Chinese this school year. My principal asked me to take on the role of English Immersion teacher. I accepted...not realizing what this would do to my plans in life. It hasn't been a bad thing by any means--it is going to make my resume look amazing I believe. But--it will delay my future plans. I had plans within the next year of joining up with the DOD to also continue building up my resume by teaching abroad (an by abroad--I thought Hawaii, Fiji, Tahiti, someplace exotic!). But--I have come to realize that this program I have agreed to participate in is not something I want to just put a year into. It is a lot of WORK. To turn around and walk away after a year of it is not me. I am a person who when I commit to this kind of a task--I commit.
So--in the meantime, I am looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find my place in this world (just like Michael W. Smith sings it...). I don't really know where I belong right now. I feel a little lost and confused about life. But...amazingly--I feel okay with it for the time being. I think God is aware of me and what I am doing--and I feel that I was not put in this position by accident. Part of me wonders why though. It seems when I make decisions, other things happen.
For now, I will keep looking for my place. I think for now--I am in it. And someday I will make those dreams of mine--from motherhood to my teaching career goals. But--I have come to realize it is all about timing.
I wanted to also remind all my mother friends out there--you are so lucky to have the privilege of raising children in this earth life. I am jealous--but yet supportive of you. Cherish what you have...and love these children. They are special spirits of our Heavenly Father--I see them everyday and am grateful for the chance I have to influence them in the smallest way. But you--you can do amazing things for them. You are their mother--and nothing compares to that.
For now for me--here's to a new beginning--this Chinese Adventure. It has already opened my eyes to the amazingness of God's children. It has made me see how precious they are and how much they are capable of. I feel blessed to have this opportunity to play the role I've been assigned right now--even if it is off the beaten path. It may be as Robert Frost wrote...
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
No comments:
Post a Comment